I have no other ways to solve this matter. And I am also unsure whether or not to stay or to get out of it. Both ways hurt and if I stay I do not know where this is leading to. As it is… it looks like it is not getting anywhere and it will definitely end in pain. But then, who knows fate will side me if I stayed on.
This is a matter of a game … whether at the end I win or lose.
Things are not really working my way lately. There are so much ups and downs and I can say that it is more downs than happy moments. I don’t feel like I am myself anymore and I am not a happy person as I used to be. At times, I missed my life before I got myself involved with him but having him had brought me to changes in life like I learn how to give in, how to be patient, how to love kids, how to fall in love again and how to trust a man. But I guess life isn’t always a box of chocolates and isn’t a bed a roses. Chocolates will go bad and rose’s thorn sometimes cuts if you aren’t careful. That’s what happening to me now.
I don’t know what to say and where to start. I missed my old KAMs. KAMs whom I used to know at one point of time. He is a changed man now or may be he is all the while like that until I found the true colors of him. But that is really ok and I accept him the way he is. I am proud to be his girlfriend and I am proud to be seen with him.eventhough I can see some eyes staring at us at times when we walked together. Who cares what they have deep down in the mind and I don’t care.
I keep telling KAMs that I love him and may be that was where the mistake begins. I feel my love has been taken for granted. He doesn’t treat me like how he used to treat me. We don’t really go out these days and we hardly spend our time together like those days. Probably it is true when he said dirty old men get bored easily. I understand that he is busy with his kids, parents, home, work, friends and his own time. And I probably no 100 in his list.
Things between me and him got even worst lately and I can feel his distance. Like too close and yet too far. I do not know how else to make it better or to fix it. I have tried my level best to understand him but it was never good enough. I keep telling him to face me and speak up and tell me to leave if he feels that I am a burden or if he is sick and tired of me. But I never got an answer so I made a positive assumption that he still wants me. But at the back of my head, I cant stop thinking that may be he do not want to make the move of breaking this apart and waiting for me to call if off. But really, I am not ready for it and I do not know when I will ever be ready. This is tearing me apart. All I want from KAMs is to spend a bit of his time with me. That is more than enough to make me a happy. Do you think that I am too much?
Every time when I got that chance to go out with him I will try to make the best of it knowing his time is so limited and only god knows when will that chance ever occur again. I will be the happiest person. My dad when he was alive, he used to tell me that he always feel like he is showered with diamonds and cash from heaven every time when he sees my face and when I come to visit. Now I now what he meant and how he felt like coz that is how I feel like when I get to see or go out with KAMs.
But I think KAMs hates me now and I think I have annoyed him in so many ways. I feel so small and at the lowest. How I wish I can get out of this place, leave and never return. Only time will heal but unfortunately time is the only remedy for all pain. And I can’t take it at this point. It has affected my work but I never told KAMs anything about it coz I am afraid that he will leave me.
At times I regret falling in love with him but I am happy loving him. I love him to the best I can eventhough I know he doesn’t share the same feelings. If there is a medicine, a best cure that I could buy to help me to forget him… I will buy eventhough it cost me much. I do not know how to mend my broken heart as I had forgotten how to fix the wound after 6 years of being away from love. It is not easy when you need to stand on your own when you are crippled and there’s no one to hang on to. Even if I have a 1000 people around me, I will not be able to stand strong as my strength has been washed away by pain. If God would grant me with a wish, I shall wish for a life with KAMs for good or bad.
I wish he knows all the pain that I am going through now and I wish he knows how much I love him. I hope by knowing he could make it better for me eventhough he can’t promise anything at all. But knowing KAMs he will be more annoyed by it. I just want to be in love and be loved. I have tried to make him love me but I can’t force him to love me. It is so tough for me to go through this alone.
I don’t know what else to do and I do not know who to turn to for a good advice. I dont have any one to help me to fix things up. I think I will soon lose my mind and my conscience if I failed to save this relationship. But if we are not meant to be together then I have to accept the fate. I will love him and I will be there for him through thick and thin. If I can’t be part if his life as his wife, I pray that I can be part of his life as his true bestfriend. Even that it will never happened.
To me love = pain + sorrow
This is a matter of a game … whether at the end I win or lose.
Things are not really working my way lately. There are so much ups and downs and I can say that it is more downs than happy moments. I don’t feel like I am myself anymore and I am not a happy person as I used to be. At times, I missed my life before I got myself involved with him but having him had brought me to changes in life like I learn how to give in, how to be patient, how to love kids, how to fall in love again and how to trust a man. But I guess life isn’t always a box of chocolates and isn’t a bed a roses. Chocolates will go bad and rose’s thorn sometimes cuts if you aren’t careful. That’s what happening to me now.
I don’t know what to say and where to start. I missed my old KAMs. KAMs whom I used to know at one point of time. He is a changed man now or may be he is all the while like that until I found the true colors of him. But that is really ok and I accept him the way he is. I am proud to be his girlfriend and I am proud to be seen with him.eventhough I can see some eyes staring at us at times when we walked together. Who cares what they have deep down in the mind and I don’t care.
I keep telling KAMs that I love him and may be that was where the mistake begins. I feel my love has been taken for granted. He doesn’t treat me like how he used to treat me. We don’t really go out these days and we hardly spend our time together like those days. Probably it is true when he said dirty old men get bored easily. I understand that he is busy with his kids, parents, home, work, friends and his own time. And I probably no 100 in his list.
Things between me and him got even worst lately and I can feel his distance. Like too close and yet too far. I do not know how else to make it better or to fix it. I have tried my level best to understand him but it was never good enough. I keep telling him to face me and speak up and tell me to leave if he feels that I am a burden or if he is sick and tired of me. But I never got an answer so I made a positive assumption that he still wants me. But at the back of my head, I cant stop thinking that may be he do not want to make the move of breaking this apart and waiting for me to call if off. But really, I am not ready for it and I do not know when I will ever be ready. This is tearing me apart. All I want from KAMs is to spend a bit of his time with me. That is more than enough to make me a happy. Do you think that I am too much?
Every time when I got that chance to go out with him I will try to make the best of it knowing his time is so limited and only god knows when will that chance ever occur again. I will be the happiest person. My dad when he was alive, he used to tell me that he always feel like he is showered with diamonds and cash from heaven every time when he sees my face and when I come to visit. Now I now what he meant and how he felt like coz that is how I feel like when I get to see or go out with KAMs.
But I think KAMs hates me now and I think I have annoyed him in so many ways. I feel so small and at the lowest. How I wish I can get out of this place, leave and never return. Only time will heal but unfortunately time is the only remedy for all pain. And I can’t take it at this point. It has affected my work but I never told KAMs anything about it coz I am afraid that he will leave me.
At times I regret falling in love with him but I am happy loving him. I love him to the best I can eventhough I know he doesn’t share the same feelings. If there is a medicine, a best cure that I could buy to help me to forget him… I will buy eventhough it cost me much. I do not know how to mend my broken heart as I had forgotten how to fix the wound after 6 years of being away from love. It is not easy when you need to stand on your own when you are crippled and there’s no one to hang on to. Even if I have a 1000 people around me, I will not be able to stand strong as my strength has been washed away by pain. If God would grant me with a wish, I shall wish for a life with KAMs for good or bad.
I wish he knows all the pain that I am going through now and I wish he knows how much I love him. I hope by knowing he could make it better for me eventhough he can’t promise anything at all. But knowing KAMs he will be more annoyed by it. I just want to be in love and be loved. I have tried to make him love me but I can’t force him to love me. It is so tough for me to go through this alone.
I don’t know what else to do and I do not know who to turn to for a good advice. I dont have any one to help me to fix things up. I think I will soon lose my mind and my conscience if I failed to save this relationship. But if we are not meant to be together then I have to accept the fate. I will love him and I will be there for him through thick and thin. If I can’t be part if his life as his wife, I pray that I can be part of his life as his true bestfriend. Even that it will never happened.
To me love = pain + sorrow
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