Just a Face In the Crowd

Have you ever try to hate someone? It will not work coz it doesnt come from within. No matter how hard you try, u will fail coz deep down, you never really want to hate. I have been dead. Dead ... since the day he walked away. I'm nothing just a walking body and soul. Life is good as dead. No feelings ... just empty. No fear even for dying.

I can't even last a day hating him. To myself...I apologize for being so weak.

Sharapova In The Making

Do you think at times its kinda late for you to try up something new? As age catches up you start losing your stamina and anything you eat will just add pounds and pounds to your weight? Not to mention pigmentations, wrinkles, zitts once in a while etc. etc. It is not easy being a woman or perhaps it is not easy being me.

I just got myself into tennis. Why do I do that and ended up paying Mr Gan my instructor RM70 per lesson? 2 reasons: i seriously want to learn tennis and no 2 reason is because Im trying to get him off my mind. Each time i give a full stroke to the swing, i feel like Im slaughtering his head off my head. No wonder I can't focus to the entire lesson. But when i do bad..I always blame it on my fringe.

Well, I am Shan Sharapova in the making even the look and stats are way far from her but Im kinda happy coz at least I get to learn something new and cut down those pounds i had from my snacking.

Cant wait to buy my own racket, short skirt...and plunging neck top...uurrggghhh..NO way..!! Cant wait to buy my own racket. Period!

Flying Without Wings

I have no other ways to solve this matter. And I am also unsure whether or not to stay or to get out of it. Both ways hurt and if I stay I do not know where this is leading to. As it is… it looks like it is not getting anywhere and it will definitely end in pain. But then, who knows fate will side me if I stayed on.

This is a matter of a game … whether at the end I win or lose.

Things are not really working my way lately. There are so much ups and downs and I can say that it is more downs than happy moments. I don’t feel like I am myself anymore and I am not a happy person as I used to be. At times, I missed my life before I got myself involved with him but having him had brought me to changes in life like I learn how to give in, how to be patient, how to love kids, how to fall in love again and how to trust a man. But I guess life isn’t always a box of chocolates and isn’t a bed a roses. Chocolates will go bad and rose’s thorn sometimes cuts if you aren’t careful. That’s what happening to me now.

I don’t know what to say and where to start. I missed my old KAMs. KAMs whom I used to know at one point of time. He is a changed man now or may be he is all the while like that until I found the true colors of him. But that is really ok and I accept him the way he is. I am proud to be his girlfriend and I am proud to be seen with him.eventhough I can see some eyes staring at us at times when we walked together. Who cares what they have deep down in the mind and I don’t care.

I keep telling KAMs that I love him and may be that was where the mistake begins. I feel my love has been taken for granted. He doesn’t treat me like how he used to treat me. We don’t really go out these days and we hardly spend our time together like those days. Probably it is true when he said dirty old men get bored easily. I understand that he is busy with his kids, parents, home, work, friends and his own time. And I probably no 100 in his list.

Things between me and him got even worst lately and I can feel his distance. Like too close and yet too far. I do not know how else to make it better or to fix it. I have tried my level best to understand him but it was never good enough. I keep telling him to face me and speak up and tell me to leave if he feels that I am a burden or if he is sick and tired of me. But I never got an answer so I made a positive assumption that he still wants me. But at the back of my head, I cant stop thinking that may be he do not want to make the move of breaking this apart and waiting for me to call if off. But really, I am not ready for it and I do not know when I will ever be ready. This is tearing me apart. All I want from KAMs is to spend a bit of his time with me. That is more than enough to make me a happy. Do you think that I am too much?

Every time when I got that chance to go out with him I will try to make the best of it knowing his time is so limited and only god knows when will that chance ever occur again. I will be the happiest person. My dad when he was alive, he used to tell me that he always feel like he is showered with diamonds and cash from heaven every time when he sees my face and when I come to visit. Now I now what he meant and how he felt like coz that is how I feel like when I get to see or go out with KAMs.

But I think KAMs hates me now and I think I have annoyed him in so many ways. I feel so small and at the lowest. How I wish I can get out of this place, leave and never return. Only time will heal but unfortunately time is the only remedy for all pain. And I can’t take it at this point. It has affected my work but I never told KAMs anything about it coz I am afraid that he will leave me.

At times I regret falling in love with him but I am happy loving him. I love him to the best I can eventhough I know he doesn’t share the same feelings. If there is a medicine, a best cure that I could buy to help me to forget him… I will buy eventhough it cost me much. I do not know how to mend my broken heart as I had forgotten how to fix the wound after 6 years of being away from love. It is not easy when you need to stand on your own when you are crippled and there’s no one to hang on to. Even if I have a 1000 people around me, I will not be able to stand strong as my strength has been washed away by pain. If God would grant me with a wish, I shall wish for a life with KAMs for good or bad.

I wish he knows all the pain that I am going through now and I wish he knows how much I love him. I hope by knowing he could make it better for me eventhough he can’t promise anything at all. But knowing KAMs he will be more annoyed by it. I just want to be in love and be loved. I have tried to make him love me but I can’t force him to love me. It is so tough for me to go through this alone.

I don’t know what else to do and I do not know who to turn to for a good advice. I dont have any one to help me to fix things up. I think I will soon lose my mind and my conscience if I failed to save this relationship. But if we are not meant to be together then I have to accept the fate. I will love him and I will be there for him through thick and thin. If I can’t be part if his life as his wife, I pray that I can be part of his life as his true bestfriend. Even that it will never happened.

To me love = pain + sorrow

Happy Birthday Nad!!

As i moved on..I made new friends. I gotta know two cool gals at work Nor Azlina and Nadia. I'm closer to Azlina well i wish to call her Mek Nor but I know she didnt like that name. Didn't wanna be known as a kelantanist may be. Wont matter coz she's awesome. Nadia..I call her Nad. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Nad. She's actually Mek Nor's friend but she is mine too now. Yay!!! Somehow..deep down in me i feel Nad didnt really like me that much but she didnt really have a choice coz Im close to Mek Nor. Heh..heh..heh..(Nad has a cute red car with 2 lil monkeys)

But that's juz my anticipation. I could be very well wrong as always. Im glad to have Mek Nor around. She fills up my evening with her company which had taken me off my sadness..may be not all but half.

I'm glad and honored to have both of them as my new buddies. And for Mek Nor, I hope we can be best friends forever. Thanks for being there for me when times are good and bad and when none of my so called "best friends" are there for me when I'm in need.

Funny Things About Abdullah Government

I came across few funny jokes in the Malaysia Today last week while i was trying to keep my pretty eyes open. I was too sleepy at work (blamed it ob EURO 2008) but those jokes have helped me to stay awake til the end of my official time-out. However, to make the joke a rush in blood and activated, you have to laugh it out loud. Anyway...keeping yourself awake is all in the head. Have fun reading. Hope i will not be jailed for posting this out.

2.5% chance the RM625 rebate will help cover the recent petrol price increase.

A full tank of petrol which used to cost us RM80 or thereabouts now cost us about RM120. And this full tank will last us about a week if we are careful and do not travel unnecessarily. The RM625, therefore, helps cover only five weeks of our petrol usage. This means the balance 47 weeks of the year will not be covered and we will need to fork out at least another RM5,640 from our own pocket, which also means the RM625 represents only about 10% of our needs.

1.75% chance our EPF will last till the day we die

According to Bank Negara Malaysia, we will need more than RM1 million in EPF savings if we retire at the age of 56 and live beyond the age of 66. And this would only be so if the retiree lives modestly and does not go for overseas trips or takes too many holidays. Bank Negara further says that most Malaysians finish all their EPF savings after just three years and thereafter they are broke. Not many Malaysians retire with more than RM1 million in EPF savings and the majority would have to survive with a fraction of that amount. This means the majority of Malaysians will either have to die before the age of 60 or else live beyond 60 broke to their bones.

0.75% chance Najib will become the next Prime Minister HAHAHA Poor TPM

Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad says that the only way Najib Tun Razak will be able to become the Prime Minister of Malaysia would be if he divorces his wife, Rosmah Mansor. Betting on the possibility that Rahim Thambi Chik will lose his fetish for underage girls is a better bet than betting on the possibility that Rosmah will allow Najib to discard her like a used condom.

1.25% chance Pak Lah can sit through a two-hour meeting THE FUNNIEST!!

Abdullah Ahmad Badawi is known to be incapable of reading half a page A4 without nodding off or to stay awake more than ten minutes into a meeting. Getting Pak Lah to read a ten-page report or to stay awake the entire two hours is more difficult than ensuring Rahim Thambi Chik can stay focused on the conversation during a fashion show of the latest bikinis.

0.1% chance Pak Lah can stay on as PM beyond Christmas.

There is a strong possibility that the next Parliament session will commence with a vote of no confidence against Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi and there is also a strong possibility he may be out of office as early as next week.

Best of Friends

Everyone has a best friends. But are they really yor true best friends? Or only you think that they are your best friends but true fact is you have never been in their list of best of friends.

I used to have 2 best friends. To me they are mine but I think I was never theirs. This might sound pretty childish to those who had never gone through a phase of losing friends whom you know for almost 19 years.

Argh..gotta go for tennis class. This is one of the things i do to fill up my time since i lost them. Will continue tomorrow.